What happens when I need help...

Awoken by the excruciating stomach abdominal pain.
Loo.
Couldn't feel my fingers anymore.
Numbness.
I thought I couldn't talk also.
Gathered all my energy to shout to sis.

Relief. She heard.
I got drinking water from her.
Drank.
Same. No better.
Prayed for pain to go away.
Never did.
Couldn't feel my head anymore.

Crawl onto room floor.
Lie down on yoga mat.
Sis, 'are you going to die?'
So funny.
'Yes, I am going to die.'
Sis, 'please don't die....'
............


Sis called father to come bring me to the doctors.
Never been more relieved that father is just around, working at Jurong.
He was here in just less than an hour, perhaps?
I was already much better.
He cooked porridge and I fall into a deep sleep..... zzzzzz


Woke up at 330pm and ate porridge.
Contemplated to skip class.
Help! Needed help with signing attendance..
Names flashes across.
Funny how usually these names are always the stable and nice people around in class.



Today, I am saved.
Thanks to my angels...

Just as well

Come to think of it...
It is just as well that I do not have a fantastic career and money and car right now.
5 years ago, I told myself I am going to be independent, career-minded and live by myself.
If I tell this to anyone, who will believe me?
I don't look exactly like an independent person.
At least I don't think I look like one, to others.
For I got terminated by my previous boss because he said I am not independent enough.
What the world is wrong with him? Do I really appear like that to him?
Sometimes I don't know if there is something wrong with me, or something wrong with the world.

Anyway, 5 years later, I still have nothing to own.
No possessions.
Nothing.
But I have one thing - I have God.

Just as well that so far the jobs offered to me are always temporary.
Just as well that the PA contract job didn't fall through.
Just as well that I have plenty of time at home to think about my life.
Because God keep talking to me.
No one else is.

In the quietness and stillness, you are there God.
Always there.

If I got a fantastic career right now, I will cloud God out of my life again.
I am sure.
For I am always so easily distracted.
God, help me!

Throne

MOrning woke up with this word ringing in my heads:

"Who is on the throne of my life?"

Remembering the words of Claudia when she spoke this a couple of weeks ago in service.
Although I will acknowledge Christ as the center of my life, how many times did other things take this throne?

Like when I place my agenda as of higher importance, then my agenda became my god.
When I place my relationships with others of higher importance than with my God, then my relationships with others became my god.
Or when I place my revision times above my time with God, my exams subtly also became my god.
When I place my own leisure times above my time with God, myself became my god.

Funny how easy it is to cloud God out of everyday life if not careful.
How easy it is to sing 'YOu are the center of my life', and then next moment, de-throne God with my own will.

It is so not easy to remember this 24/7...

Thinking about the dearest person I have living with me next room, I know she has never intended to have God in her life.
She doesn't need to because everyone always give in to her anyway.
She doesn't have a lack.
The truth is, I don't have a lack either.
But I want God in my life.
Not because so that my life will be more blessed.
But because I want to know God more.
I want to fall in love with God.
I want to know God's love, God's goodness, which never fails.

Emotions, People, Decisions

I tell myself at the beginning of today that I shall just focus on studies alone.
Don't think about anything else at all!
And I remember the sms Lirong send me yesterday - Amy, don't think so much. Just focus on studies.

Easy to say... sometimes very hard to put into application.

Because, I realized I am born with emotions.
When something stir my heart, I will surely think about that thing.

Morning breakfast with Sharon
We talked about Toy Story 3 again.
I shared that I love the 3 peas in a pod from Toy Story...
She squealed! I got excited... And I thought about whether I should search for 3-peas-in-a-pod from the shopping center... maybe action city...
Think think...

Noon sms from father.
"Shall we meet for dinner?"
Okay, he misses us again.
Sure, will meet him for dinner. After all, he must be working so hard that he just wants to see us for the evening.
Why not...?
So, I think about father again...

Noon revision at Starbucks.
Sharon came after a while.
Broke the news that she is breaking up with Andy for good.
Heard about that a few years ago already.
Now it is really real.
I feel so sorry for Andy.
He is just too nice to sis... now this thing happens, I really is expecting Andy to break down... Sigh...
But seriously, it is better now or never.
Think about it, Andy and sis is intellectually so far apart.
It will be a huge mountain of problems if they got married.
Really.

I think about my own 'missing link' aka life partner as well.
Who? When?
I thought this person A is ok... until... I got negative feedback about him.
I thought that person B is ok... until... I got pissed / hurt by some comments / actions.
I thought maybe person C is better... until... I got tired of the 'waiting game'.
Think think.
Things seems so bleak sometimes.
I thought about those who are married, apparently happily.
But it is not really happily as well.
Sigh.
Life has to be better than this.

Midway through revision, I surfed across Shiyan's facebook.
And I thought about the 'decision' she announced a few days ago.
I thought about my 'decision' made a few days ago as well.
Is this really a good 'decision' made?
Should I go ahead with this decision or discard it?
Ponders.
Think think.


Evening time, I thought about person B again.
He's trying to get my attention? Mum says...
Really...?
But need to be so overwhelming or not?

Sighz....
See the long train of thoughts that flood through my mind in a single day.
If only I can stop thinking about all these issues... and start thinking about exams only...
If only I could!!!!
Urghhh!!!

A little bit more

One step away from victory.



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Never Forget

Burn it on my heart, Lord.

I shall guard my relationship with you from today onwards!

Although the heart is willing, sometimes the flesh is weak.
How many times did other concerns / procrastination gets the better of me?

The living word of God.
Freshness. Newness.
Never stifle it.
Let it come.
Holy Spirit come and fill me.

Toy Story 3

Fellowship.
Ruth, Lirong, Sherry.

Weee...! The ultimate chill out / enjoyment before revision...

Although I didn't really think the movie plot is really great (as opposed to what sis thought), I thought Ken and Barbie in the movie is damn cute! Ken is G**-damn gay, muscular, sweet-talker, & it was simply fascinating to see how he invoke the lust in Barbie. And no wonder Sharon was commenting on it. I can fully understand now. Either love him or hate him, although it is hard to hate, really. So love him but just don't admit it.

I like especially the little girl at the end of the story which depicts such an innocence, that simply captures the attention of the elder brother. I thought about how we should sometimes just trust in God's sovereign goodness, mercy and grace and live freely, without worries and concern. Having a quiet sense of trust in the Lord that everything will be alright. Things are not as serious as it seems sometimes. Relax!

Life should be as colorful as Toy Story, really.

Give me some colors, God!